By Kimmy Dojinyo

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about thinking. At our summer retreat, I shared a Dharma Talk on Right Speech and discussed the importance of taking pause before speaking and listening instead of talking. For today’s talk, I would like to explore how we can do that when we are talking to ourselves, whether out loud or in our minds.

I remember when I was a child and realized that I had a continuous stream of thought happening every waking second. I would challenge myself to “stop thinking”, and I would picture myself in an empty space surrounded by nothing but crystal clear white light. And then, I would realize that even that was a thought and always felt like I had lost at some game I had made up with myself.

In the Dharma Talk I wrote about Right Speech, also called Skillful Speech, I mentioned how Buddha taught about four abstinences, which are speaking with dishonesty, harmfulness, divisiveness, or uselessness.

When we reflect on how these abstinences can be applied to how we talk to ourselves, I imagine it would look like-

Lying to ourselves

Dividing or isolating ourselves

Harmfully speaking to ourselves

Saying to ourselves or thinking things that are of no use or benefit

Taking pause when we notice we are speaking to ourselves unskillfully can be even more challenging than doing so in conversation with others. Just like I noticed as a child, it is very hard to slow or pause my own thinking. Especially, when I acknowledge my own personal struggles with compulsive and ruminating thoughts.

In the talk from retreat, I also shared about the five conditions which Buddha articulated and invited us to explore in relation to Skillful Speech. I would now like to apply these conditions Buddha offered in regards to how we are speaking to ourselves. Before allowing a thought to carry on and on, ask yourself…

Is it true? – Am I being honest with myself?

Is it gentle? – Am I being kind to myself?

Is it spoken with goodwill? – Am I thinking with true intention?

Is it beneficial? – Am I offering myself healing?

Is it timely? – Am I holding on to past resentments or am I future trippin’?

Reflecting on those questions when we are deep in our thoughts is an opportunity to allow for self-compassion to enter the space we are mentally sitting in. Dr. Christopher Germer, a psychologist and who specializes in mindful self-compassion says this,

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

So, how can we offer ourselves a moment, or many moments, of self-compassion? One practice that has worked well for me, time and time again, is to speak to myself as I would a dear friend, or even as a loving parent to a child. I will even say my own name, when I am speaking compassionately to myself.

“Kimmy, it’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay, love.”

For me, this usually feels pretty silly and uncomfortable, especially at first. However, saying our own name actually shifts our brain away from first-person emotional immersion. This practice helps calm our emotional regulation, quickens emotional processing, improves our grasping on to self-control, and quiets the inner critic.

We can also practice adding the word “and” at the end of a thought, this can help to break feelings of all or nothing – “I really hate that I did ___, and [enter self compassion statement here].”

So, I would say, “I really hate that I made that choice today, and I will get through this by learning to do better.”

Other ways for offering self-compassion in Everyday Buddhism can look like:

• Taking a break from whatever you are doing, instead of pushing yourself to work harder.
• Checking in with H.A.L.T. (are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired?)
• Give yourself grace. Ask for help. Talk to someone trusted when your own self talk becomes too loud.

As you offer yourself these various lovingkindness practices, you may notice it becomes easier to offer it to others and you may feel a new gentleness in how you see yourself.

And, remain curious! Laura offered a workshop at retreat called ‘The Story We Tell’ and shared this quote from author Monica Guzman, she writes how, “people are mysteries, not puzzles.” That applies to all people, including ourselves. I don’t have to put myself in a box or constantly attempt to make all the pieces fit in some static form. When I remind myself of this, I find that I am an unfathomable mystery!

I also don’t have to believe all my thoughts. There is a concept in psychology that I learned which states, “your first thought isn’t your thought,” my hairdresser actually taught me that. It can also be expressed as “your first thought is inherited, your second thought is earned,” meaning that your initial, automatic reaction is a reflex rather than a true reflection of your character or values.

I used to believe all of my thoughts-

“I am not worthy”

“I am alone”

“It would be better for everyone if I was dead”

Thank goodness I now know that I don’t have to believe all of my thoughts! When I begin to get into these thought traps, I catch myself, and I use these four steps that are referred to as the ‘Teflon Mind Exercise,’ which are:

1. Notice.
2. Name.
3. Allow.
4. Return to the present moment.

I notice that I have gotten caught in my thoughts. I put some distance between myself and the thought by naming it. I stop fighting the thought and allow, without resistance.

And I gently bring myself back to the present moment. I have recently had the pleasure of starting the book ‘Falling from Grace’ by Zen teacher, Adyashanti. I would like to share a few insights I have gained from his book. He teaches how all thoughts arise and disappear into a vast space. Thoughts just occur, they happen without your permission, they just move across your consciousness and we are taught to grab our thoughts and identify with them. But, he says, “The noisy mind takes place within a very deep space of quiet.” The silence he talks about is not a relative silence or the absence of noise, but it is the silence in which noise happens, even the noise of the mind, sharing how, “Every thought arises against the backdrop of absolute silence, arriving from a thoughtless world, each thought appears in a vast space.”

He then asks, “Who is noticing the thought?” Because once you stop trying to control your mind, you may notice how your mind curves, thoughts arise, within this spaciousness of quiet he refers to.

Adyashanti goes on to write, “When I look underneath the veil of thinking, what I find is I am a mystery. In some ways, I disappear, I disappear as a thought, as an imagined someone. If I am anything at all, I am a point of awareness. Recognizing that everything I think about myself isn’t really what I am. Recognizing that the next thought I have couldn’t describe me.” He goes on to ask, “What do you find when you open up your mind to something beyond your mind?”

When we get curious and ask ourselves, “What am I really?” We may find a moment of stillness in our busy flowing thoughts.

I really like this practice he offers and I would like to play with it together here. So, let’s try turning away from thought for 5 seconds, similarly to the game I would play as a child. Stop thinking about anything, about others or the day, let your mind just become quiet.

What happened? Did you experience a quiet mind? Exam this. For in those 5 seconds, you were not separate from other.

What was your experience? Please feel free to share it now.

Maybe that was useful, or maybe you found yourself still resisting the bustling of the mind. Just as Carl Jung famously said, and something we often like to refer back to here at Sangha, “what you resist, persists.”

I have found this to be especially true when I am practicing Wim Hoff breathwork, which includes holding my breath for thirty seconds to several minutes, or when I am practicing intermittent fasting, or even anytime I exercise, to be honest. My first thoughts usually consist of, “BREATH, EAT, WATCH NETFLIX AND CHILL!” But, when I pause and practice any of the concepts discussed today, I come to the understanding that those thoughts aren’t truly what my deepest self wants, or else, why would I even be putting myself through any of these things?

This is where I can return to those five conditions, also referred to as the five gatekeepers, which Buddha taught us about- Is this thought true, is it beneficial, is it kind, is it intentional, and is it a present thought?

Over the next week, I would like to challenge each of you to a mindfulness practice that can bring a moment of pause after an initial thought. When you notice that your nose itches, especially during a time you are sitting in meditation, instead of allowing that thought to create a reaction and acting on it by scratching said nose, pause. See how long you can go without acting on that thought and, if so desired, go even further by asking yourself, “who is having the thought?”

Namo Amida Butsu.